Waiting for Speedway Fowler

I know.

Hard to believe.

Not possible.

Things couldn't be going any better for the coffee behemoth these days. 99% of New Englanders are addicted to their brew, and not only has Krispy Kreme's incursion into their territory failed miserably, DD has now turned the tables on their confederate counterparts, opening new outlets down south to tremendous success.
Still, if you pay close attention, you get the impression that all is not well in Dunkinland. Take their panini sandwiches. Please. The paninis debuted with much fanfare two years ago, then promptly sank without a trace. DD says the word "panini" was too shi-shi for their blue collar crowd, but the real truth is more likely that DD didn't realize that normal people don't eat Hot Pockets, that Hot Pockets, no matter how they are dressed up, are, in fact, nasty.
DD's maple cheddar breakfast sandwich is good for the first two bites, before you get that slightly sour aftertaste and realize the whole concoction is actually pretty gross and that Tim Horton's sausage biscuit breakfast sandwich is 10 times better. (Of course, only folks in Rhode Island and Connecticut, where Tim Horton's is embarking on their excellent American adventure, have been able to try their products.)

I'll give Dunkin's props for their donuts. Honeydew used to make better (and much bigger) donuts, but not anymore.
Now the coffee king is trying something new.

Hash browns.

And boy are they awful.

They are loaded - LOADED - with grease, and taste like something that's been sitting under the heat lamp oversight at the worst Greek diner you've ever been to. The hash browns come in a little coffee-cup-style container so you can eat them as you drive, but if they ever catch on the accident rate will go through the roof from drivers' greased-up fingers slipping off the steering wheel.
Here's a better idea for DD: cretons and toast, served only from November to March. Hey guys, do it before Tim Horton's thinks of it.